Sunday breakfasts just aren't the same without you, baby.

Why is it that I have yet to find a web editing program that actually makes managing my site EASIER?!

I've now spent a whole day on each of FrontPage, GoLive!, and DreamWeaver, over the past few months. All of them are both way too complicated and way too difficult to use to make it worth my time. I guess I'm just destined to stick with the trusty old world of raw HTML. I knew I was better at that, anyway...

Now to turn off my computer before my frustration at failing at yet another task prompts me to throw the iBook against the wall... Ugh...

I weep for you, Switzerland...

I forgot to mention Saturday that it's only 4 weeks (less, now) until my superfun road trip to the Great Northwest with David. It's gonna be hecka hecka fun. I'll be visiting my old old old old buddy Andrea, doing some down & dirty book shopping and even downer and dirtier snogging with David. Not to mention the fact that I'll be spending a whole 8 days with said person, which will be the best part of the trip.

Damn, I miss you.

The best thing about this proposal is that the designers start out by declaring their particular memorial to the World Trade Center be temporary. I find it inspiring and comforting that the people of New York appear, for the most part, to be shrugging off the rhetoric of the odious Giuliani and his exiting declaration that the site of the WTC be put to no commercial use.

It pleases me that New Yorkers haven't lost the commercial resilience and drive which made their city the greatest in the world. After all, it is industry and trade which has made them great, not symbolism or martyrdom. Despite what Mr. Giuliani would like to think, New York isn't a "symbol" or a "beacon" but rather a motor, well-oiled and ready to get back to work. Thank you New York. For everything you do, in addition to everything you are.

A police helicopter has been circling my neighborhood for almost an hour now, and it's getting kinda scary...

On top of that, my email isn't working, though it obviously has nothing to do with my internet connection, conssidering I'm aable to do this update...

I should have DSL by the end of the week, thankfully...

Damn police chopper. Hopefully I don't get kidnapped this evening...

I will be posting a recent composition on the Green Party in my Commentary section this morning. I actually wrote much of it back in late 2000, when I was listening to some of the odious political ramblings of the even more odious Ralph Nader. I just thought now that we're temporarily free from annoying political ads, I should post a bit of political ranting, as opposed to my increasingly common self-absorbed ranting.

Speaking of political ads, one in particular has annoyed me as I drove around Fresno the past couple of months: It shows a certain State Assembly candidate with his ugly daughter and two ugly sons and his rather homely wife, all lovvy dovvy for the camera, with the heading "He's one of us!".

Oh, is he? Well, I live alone. I don't have any ugly children, and I sure as hell don't regularly run for political office. I doubt most Fresnans would disagree. Fresno (despite it's higher-than-average proportion of Mormons and trailer trash) matches closely the new Census discovery that (gasp!) most households aren't Cleaver-style. It's no longer the suburbia of Ma, Pa, an hier and a spare. Rather we have lots of housholds in our suburban conglomerations these days: unmarried couples, single parent families, roommate households, queer households, empty nests, etc. Just trying to symbolically splash your dubious "family values" won't get you elected when the majority of the voting public consists of pensioners who are twice your age and college activists who are half your age. Oy.

Anyone who knows their history remembers that world trade barriers were at historical highs during the Great Depression. For some reason, world governments saw tariffs and sanctions as a method of stimulating (!) their economies. The result? More than a decade of stagnation worldwide.

Since when were higher prices, making enemies and restricting trade a good idea?

I could go on for pages and pages about how tariffs do nothing to repair dying industries, and how American steel ain't no better than Korean steel, but I guess I'm being presumptuous by assuming it's self-evident. Steel is steel. Dubya is being yet another special-interest toy by slapping tariffs on foreign products of any type, regardless of his excuse. If Koreans are willing to dump steel on us at a loss, all the better. Our prices for cars and other products will go down. That's the market. It's not our responsibility to check the morals or motives of our peers or trading partners. Winning bidders take all.

Would that American politicians realized that if you free your trade, the rest will follow...

I've been spending way too much time here lately. At least it distracts me from the fact that I haven't been spending enough time at all with him.

But that will be changing tomorrow. My first time in Los Banos for something other than gas, fast food or a driveby. And I'll be there with my favorite person. Yay. Los Banos is one of those towns that's always screamed "explore me!" And now I will.

Expect a full travelogue (as well as some older ones which I've neglected posting) at TheHyaena sometime next week...

The day is going slowly, but that's probably because I'm aching with anticipation to see David tonight. I've really gotta do something about this 200 mile separation. Soon...

A wonderful, eventful weekend with David. More firsts (I seem to have a lot of those with him), which included doing an overnight roadtrip with someone not in my family or not for academic or employment purposes. We did a quaint old style Denny's in Santa Nella/Gustine, the white trash diner in Los Banos, the fried artichokes in Castroville, the oldest Mexican diner in Salinas and a quick drive-thru in Watsonville. Anyone know what the immigrants were protesting there yesterday?

Some firsts in bed, as well. Aside from my first motel sex, I'll let you all guess at what the other firsts were...

It was increadibly cold this morning. Maybe I just get too accustomed to having that body in bed next to me to wrap up in on weekends. Hopefully this weekends-only thing changes soon. I've said that already, I think...

Seriously, I do plan to post a trip journal over at The Hyaena. I'm just still working on the motivation to do it...

While you're all waiting for that, you should head over to the Message Board, where a cute little tiff is going on. I was briefly thinking of axing it, but it's amusing me right now, so I'll let it go for now...

I just thought I'd mention that I've quietly inserted quite a few new links on my Links page over the past month or so, and wasn't sure whether anyone had been checking them out. Blogs, Music, Archives. Click away.

I have always been skeptical of communities and collectives and groups. Even as an adolescent, I was a bit of a loner, and preferred being alone to having a clique or a band of friends. Ever since high school, I've never even had a steady set of friends, but rather spent most of my free time alone or with one or two of the few people I actually felt like being around. I have no problems admitting that, in general, I am antisocial. I prefer myself to anyone else.

However, when I was first "coming out", or exploring my own sexual perversions (primarily around the time I turned 21), I tried for a short time to get into the local "gay culture". By "short time", I mean that within a matter of months I was done with it all. I never managed to fit in with any band of homosexuals, and never really felt comfortable in their company. I have, on the whole, felt more alienated and disenfranchised by the sods I've met than any other identifiable group in my life.

Not least, the basis of this alienation has been based upon the fact that I don't care anything for gay culture or gay history. People will gasp when I ask "who?" in response to their discussions of important historical gay figures. It doesn't impress me at all that such-and-such popular litierati were gay or that so-and-so movie has gay themes. And I have often been heckled out of discussions or bars because I'm more interested in someone's favorite drink or opinion on the Gulf War than their knowledge of Stonewall.

I have often placed my sex life as a low priority. Some people would say this means a repressed sexuality or a low libido, but I think it's related more closely to lack of stimulation. In general, I've always been stirred more by a good brain than a good dick or a good body. Call it cliche, but I think this fact more than anything describes my rather prudish sexual past.

I guess I'm just trying to say that I've never felt comfortable or "at home" with other queers, and the fact that something is "gay" or "queer" focused means nothing to me. Many things in life bring me immense joy, and sex is only one of them. From the time I lost my virginity at 17 to half-way through my 21st year, I only had sex once (with a woman), and this is because I was less stimulated by the shallow faggot clones I saw than by things such as books or movies or music, which never disappointed me. I resent the idea that I get heckled by fags when I state clearly and simply that I don't care about their "community" and don't care to be a part of it. I don't feel I owe anything to the Stonewall rioters or old 50s and 60s San Francisco fags just because they legalized queer bars. If easy sex wasn't available to me, I'm sure I'd find other things to entertain me and satisfy me, as I did for 4 years of my very high-libido life before. I didn't need the gay saviors then and I am not obligated to respect them now.

Ultimately, I am capable of satisfying my desires and knowing what will make me happy regardless of the time or place, and regardless of what is socially acceptable or legal. Sure the latter influence my behavior, but they have no real bearing on my ability to make myself happy. When will the queer-centric lobby realize this and stop insisting that I am morally required to dedicate my life to their greater gay cause, when all I need is within my own hands?

An increadibly beautiful, breezy and cool day today. It's also payday. And I'm seeing Amy for coffee for the first time in 3 weeks. I'm happy today.

I'm pleased to announce that Amy is now one of us. She's been my best friend for almost 10 years, and now she's even cooler than before. Well, best friend who isn't more than a friend, that is...

The weather is still spectacularly pleasant and coastal-breezy today. I love it. I wish David was feeling as pleasant as I. Hopefully I can help him out with that tomorrow...

I'm still happy and loving the weather, but I need to get a rant in anyway. My latest tiff is with SBC and UPS. I signed up for DSL a couple weeks ago, which was supposed to be set up and ready to go today. Unfortunately, the equipment never arrived. So I call SBC, who tells me it's been delivered. I have a real problem that UPS just dumps packages on front porches without obtaining signatures. So I never saw the package after it was dropped off days ago, and apparently went missing thereafter. Now I have to wait for them to redeliver the equipment while I have already paid for my set-up fee and first month. Ugh. Some companies really need to get their acts together. I knew I should have gone with Earthlink...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who's had problems with SBC DSL. Luckily, I got most of it resolved much quicker and with less than 100 hours on the phone, and it was working by midnight last night.

The weather is no longer quite so gorgeous, but it's still prettier than Fresno should be allowed to be, and I just wish I could enjoy it with that special someone. Unfortunately, it appears he's having a near-death experience due to a few especially malignant human pathogens.

Hope you get better soon, baby.

For some reason I've been pondering dates today. A few notables that come to mind (in no particular order)...

• der hyaena born: 30 June 1977
• hook-up with David: 26 October 2001
• first music purchase (Bon Jovi: Slippery When Wet): 1 April 1987
• stopped smoking (for good...): 31 December 2001
• started first "real" job: 25 May 1994
• left ma&pa's house (for good...): 28 Feb 2000

I guess that means I don't do much in the summer. Being born in the Fresno summer heat alone was enouh for me. But it does mean that I have the anniversary of "my musical birth" coming up. Thank gawd I had a few musical "rebirths" since then...

Not only do I not have the motivation to get out of my sweats and actually do anything today, I don't even have my favorite inactivity partner around to make my immobility more pleasant. And now I won't be able to see him again for another 6 days...

Strangely, now that I have the DSL, I'm having a bit of computer burn-out. Maybe I just need to get out of the house...

For those of you that are already fed up with the mushiness oozing from my writing in relation to my personal life, you definately don't want to read my latest essay - a typically exhibitionistic piece about my love life. After receiving a positive preview from the individual involved, I decided that if it passes with him, I'm happy enough with it.

Lonely day. But I did manage to spend about 3 hours of it on the line with various customer service centers, and have added First USA Bank to the list of companies I hate and will no longer do business with. And you may also want to reconsider my earlier Earthlink reccommendation. Come to think of it, I don't know if there is a good telecoms company out there...

Nice rainy day. Is it just me, or is Fresno way too tolerable lately? This is supposed to be the lazy little city where rents are cheap and the weather makes you stay indoors all the time. I have found that the past two weeks have had some of the best weather I remember here. I hope that doesn't mean my rent will be going up...

I got my tickets to see Siouxsie and the Banshees next month at the Warfield. How convenient that I have a significant other there to not only shack me up at no charge, but accompany me there as well...

The first time I saw Siouxsie live was at the Sacramento Crest Theatre as the Creatures back in 1998 on the Creatures/Cale Nohow On tour. They kicked increadible ass. I saw them the next year at Palookaville in Santa Cruz. This will be my first time seeing the whole trio including Severin (whom I confess is my favorite, still). Yay. They've always been my most obsesive musical fixture, if not necessarily my favorite band. Speaking of which, I finally have my Siouxsie trading page up. Just in case you haven't been checking there (and considering the low traffic, you probably haven't.

Sundays aren't my favorite days... Miss you, baby.

I'm thinking of making a pot of coffee. Good thing I have decaf.

I wish Yahoo! Messenger had an OSX version... For that matter, I wish a lot of things had OSX versions. I'd be far more likely to buy and learn and use them, if so. OX9 stuff just bugs me, mainly because OSX environment is so much prettier and I either have to work in ultra-slow virtual memory or restart whenever I use OS9 programs... Filemaker and Dreamweaver come to mind here...

So... One more excrutiatingly long week until I see David again. The weekend after that, we embark on our roadtrip. I have t o get in touch with Cho soon here...

I'm liking System of a Down today, although they are a little bit on the pretentious side... I think it's just coz the drummer and singer are really cute.

Updated my Amazon.com Wish List. Anyone feeling generous?

I was surfing last night and once again came upon David's old interview with Nightcharm. I knew I wasn't the only one who thought he was one of the best writers around. I'm so glad I found him...

You'll notice a few small changes (in terms of font size, I mean that literally). I also now have that nearly-annoying blog appendage: the "song of the moment".

I know I've ranted about him before, but I don't think I've done it here, so I'm gonna get a snear in about a recurring hate fixture for me: Andrew Sullivan. Have you ever seen or heard a more pathetic piece of you-know-what? Every word that trickles from his disease-infested oral oriface is more hideous than the next. He has no reasoning skills, and the mystically-twisted sense of non-logic he follows makes me want to puke.

Trying to sound patriotic, Mister Sullivan crams his slimy Catholicism down our throats, trying like every other slimy pseudo-conservative to make the worship of gawd equal in importance to worship of the constitution. He twists Catholic morality to match his own perverted insensibilities, and then gets on a moral soapbox in critique of the country and society he emmigrated to. Give... me... a... break...

Not so sure about this one...

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[Thursday 21 March 2002] Link

Happy birthday Grandma. This week is lasting for fucking ever.

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[Friday 22 March 2002] Link

New and improved navigation, thanks to some stolen code and a few hours of experimentation. I think it looks much better.

Not that this week has been all that exciting anyway, but don't expect much in the way of updates until Monday. I've really been slacking on my web work lately, and I just can't seem to change that right now. I'm now more than 2 months behind on my trip journals, and I've only partially completed my media/tapetrade stuff over at TheHyaena.

But I'm off to see David after work, and this is a very good thing. I hope I don't injure him in my friskiness, considering it's been 2 weeks.

I say once again that I simply cannot let that happen so often...

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[Monday 25 March 2002] Link

How well do you really know me?

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[Wednesday 27 March 2002] Link

For those of you who've assumed I've died, I'm still here and kicking, just not really on my web site. I've got lots of things that I want to do here, especially over at The Hyaena, but my priorities have been elsewhere lately...

I'm jealous of all the people who took David's test. And at the fact that I only placed #3 (#4 if you include David himself). O well, I have only known him for half a year or so...

Tonight will be coffee with Amy, and tomorrow night is an early Easter celebration with Ma & Pa, since I'll be away for the actual event. Friday I'm supposed to chill out with Lauren. I've also been commissioned by Ghoulia to record the next Fastback69 show at Fred's on the 18th April. Yay.

I'm continuing to have severe writers' block, so don't expect many insightful new essays or entries for the next couple weeks. iBook will be accompanying David & I on our trip next week, so there's always the possibility that we'll keep you updated from the road. But I definately make no guarantees...

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[Thursday 28 March 2002] Link

As if I wasn't revealing enough about my sex life here...

DISCOVER YOUR POSITION
[BY LEY LEY]

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[Friday 29 March 2002] Link

Tomorrow I'm off to the northwest with David. Needless to say, I'm excited as hell. It will only be my third time out of California, the first being to Ensenada when I was about 10 and the second being Las Vegas a few years ago. This will most likely be much more enjoyable and exciting. Not to mention the fact that I'll be seeing Andrea for the first time in 4 years.

iBook is ready to accompany me on the journey, and feeling friskier than usual, since he got a special treat yesterday in the form of a superfast 512MB memory upgrade.

Potential updates from the road, but no guarantees.

[Continue to April 2002]