I've tried to coherently sum up a cache of current events recently, as they relate to the unprecedented changes that have taken place over the past few months in my personal life. Primarily, I wanted to somehow describe in narrative form what I've thus far only alluded to or expressed in the form of innuendo or noncommittal mushiness.

The truth of the matter is, I concluded some weeks ago that I have, beyond a doubt in my mind, found the person I can only accurately describe as the love of my life. As clich� and presumptuous as it may be, it is the only specific description which works in this situation. But with such a statement comes a whole host of skeletons in closets, all of whom I must now endeavor to tame or vanquish if I intend this essay to have any meaning at all.

As my relationship with the person I'm describing here has developed, I have quickly concluded that I don't want to be apart from him. We both have our "private time" needs and we are both rather independently minded to the point where I could never be codependent or needy in sharing our time together. Still, I no longer feel that the "separate lives which occasionally cross paths" scenario that I was so dead-sure about before this can logically be followed now. The roots of this are based upon the fact that I can now clearly define what I want out of this person and what kind of future I see with him.

What intrigues me here is the fact that I never really wanted to "shack up" with anyone before, and I always assumed that if I found that "special person" that I'd be more interested in a more separate type of relationship. My expectations of love, sex and romance were ultimately rather low before, and now I'm surprised to find that my desires have pretty much gravitated toward those same behaviors and expectations which I used to always see as lame or clich�. This includes such things as commitment, monogamy, shacking up, or wanting to spend "a significant part of the foreseeable future" (eg. the rest of my life) with someone. In other words, I guess I've possessed a somewhat cynical opinion of such standardized romantic behaviors - mainly because I couldn't see how they could be correct for me when they obviously do nothing for the 80% of the population who aren't happy in their relationships. I'm starting to see that there is, in fact, a strong empirical argument for their existence, even if the majority of people don't properly understand their intricacies.

I now find myself taking issue with my "nonmonogamy" and "noncommittal" ideas from before, and I'm trying to coherently understand why. I think most people who embark on standardized relationships (involving the triumvirate of commitment, monogamy and cohabitation) do it out of expectation rather than desire. They do it because they think it's what they're supposed to, rather than because they want to do it with a specific person in mind. This is why they don't tend to work out. My previous notions held that they didn't work out because that standardized formula was in some way flawed. Now that I find myself following it voluntarily (rather than out of expectation, inhibition or coercion), I find that it really does make sense when the emotions are there and one is being rational and logical about them.

Ultimately, if individuals thought logically about their romantic relationships, and entered everything without pre-formatted expectations and needs, then people would be immensely happier. Instead, they start out looking for "a relationship which must meet criteria X, Y, Z and N", and they lose it as soon as those expectations are foiled.

To take my superiority complex even further, I maintain that I hooked up with this person without really expecting much to come from it. I liked his writing and thought he was pretty damn hot. I figured I might get an e-pal, maybe a friend, and quite likely a screw out of it. These weren't expectations, but rather just short-term, reasonable "goals". Thus, when things started to come together and fall into the places they have, I was pleasantly surprised, but didn't necessarily consult my "relationship checklist" along the way. I often asked myself if I really understood what was happening, and I always concluded that I did, and that it was good.

This was aided by the fact that I've always maintained that I have to carry on despite any fellow travelers, and I am good at avoiding the tendency of letting my expectations dictate my behavior. And that's why this feels (is) so right.

It's also why my analyses of it are no longer necessarily attempts to analyze it away, but to simply be capable of understanding it and defining it verbally. In any case where one is responding emotionally to a given situation or event, it is important to be sure one understands the sources of those emotions in clear, logical form. Otherwise there is the danger that one's emotions are irrational or merely whims, which never fail to destroy a person after a time.

After analyzing the sources of my decisions as they relate to this situation, I logically move to the analysis of why I arrived at this point in the first place: what specific factors of this person (as opposed to any other) brought me to where I am? A simple chicken-shit answer is "his personality", but I need to be able to describe that personality.

First and foremost, we approach life in the same way: we both get excited about the work of men and the history of that work. In different ways, we can see in such simple things as a building or a picture the history of the thoughts, decisions, effort and work that went into it, whether that work went right or wrong, and then we can discuss the why as clearly to one another as if we were thinking it ourselves. I always feel that I have known him for far longer, and this is primarily because we share so many quirks and personality traits. We are immensely comfortable with one another, and can spend hours in intellectual conversation or dirty sex talk with the same benevolent sense of happy wonderment. The feeling is never far away that I almost cannot feel separate from him, he feels like an extension of me, mind and body.

We can spend hours or days in close company, and it's always just as hard saying goodbye when the time comes as it was the time before, and usually harder. We are just as comfortable and relaxed in silent domestic inactivity as in intense conversation or in public. We have never had an argument or quarrel, and I don't foresee the possibility, because we can talk about anything, no matter how hotly controversial or how strongly we feel about it. Whether it is our feelings for the other, how sexually attractive we find the other, or what the politics of the day do for us, the conversation is always consistently well-reasoned and benevolent. Because we tend to follow rational and logical processes in order to formulate our theories and opinions, we can respect one another's opinions as such, without seeing them as irrational and wicked whims, even when they differ. In other words, we share the same sense of life, to employ that oft-overused phrase.

We're both well-informed on what we discuss, and would not enter into a discussion without that given. We both have something to contribute to our discussions - whether it involves data and evidence or theory and analysis, and this applies no matter what the discussion involves or how deep it goes. We talk all the time, and never tire of it, whether the topic is the latest news or the next sexual position. He helps me put many of my theoretical ideas into practical historical perspective, which is one of the reasons I admire him so much. We tend to think in tandem, filling in the blanks along the way.

I think the reason I love him so honestly is that he's the first person in my life that I've been intimate with and actually respected. I can count on only two hands the number of people I know personally that I also respect immensely (as opposed to authors or writers or philosophers I never met). The fact that I can be so close to him and not feel guilty or superior about it is an immense reward, and that only comes with the dual achievement of having found someone worthy of my respect and being someone worthy of that person as well.

Conclusively and with all my most reasoned willingness, I find that I get so much happiness from being with him for all of these reasons that it settles all of my intimate and romantic needs and desires more than I ever thought possible. Thus the fact that I find myself falling into those "romantic relationship standards". I don't really care about that this time, though, since I'm doing it for completely voluntary and rational reasons.

In other words, I love him. And I can say why. Most people don't place equal weight on the mutual importance of those two things, but I do, and that's why I had to write this. I know why. I won't let myself get away with being emotional without being objective about those emotions - and in a case like this, such a stance is more important than ever, because I've got something more worthy than ever of my intellectual competence and diligence. I'm in love, I know why, and I'm happier than I've ever been before.