Isolation

I don't think I ever planned it to be this way, it just happened. I was absorbed by my work, out of touch with the social scenes, in a new town, and I just slipped away from everyone and everything pretty much...

I honestly wanted to stay in touch, really. Sometimes in the early morning or late at night, I think of all the people left behind; from my sister to my parents to my friends Amy and Lauren... I know it's easy to pick up a phone, but for some reason the desire and conviction to do so never hits me when the time is right. It only hits me when I'm sleepless at 4am and getting reflective. I know doing this is driving me ever further away from them all.

This is the same thing which ended my web log last year: the inexplicable inability to remain in touch. I keep putting off a phone call here, a letter there, a visit here, a reminder there... and suddenly the days turn into months. I feel like I've only been gone a few weeks, only to realise that things have changed rapidly in that time span, that peoples' lives don't freeze in time when I'm not involved in them.

Why does this bother me so? If I honestly wanted to maintain connections, I would, right? That's my dilemma. I lay awake pondering how I let myself be so cold and cut off from the people who used to be in my life, and I know it is my own lack of initiative that has been the cause.

Or is it mutual? So speeks the little anti-guilt daemon. Keeping in touch is a two-way street, right? Well, then, they've made just as much effort as I (eg. Little). Or did they just give up before I noticed their efforts?

Will it change? And again, why does it bother me? I guess the answer is: probably not and only out of context. I doubt things will change much. The real context is this: I'm still happier now than I've been in my whole life. People have ways of creating a comfort zone in their lives utilizing the people and places in which they find themselves at the time and place in which they are living. That is what I did. I had a very wonderful family and many wonderful friends who gave me comfort and joy when I lived in Fresno and when that was my life.

But that is exactly what has changed. I don't live in Fresno. I don't have that life anymore. I still love those people with all my heart. But the context of my life is completely different now, and the harsh truth is that I lose touch with something when I no longer need it (or at least don't need it as much). I almost cringe at being so candid.

Today, I have my very consuming and very rewarding job, my very wonderful and supportive husband, and I live in a very isolating and cocooning city. The result is that I am often less inclined to dig up unnecessary committments and responsabilities. I understand that maintaining connections is ultimately a desireable alternative to burning bridges, and on that score, I must definitely improve.

Whether or not I actually will remains to be seen. But for the people that brought me comfort by visiting my web site(s), I assure you that you are not forgotten, that I will continue to maintain some small connection, and that I understand my interest in doing so. The rest of the people and places of whom I speak here are a much harder animal to tackle. They will require more than a self-indulgent web page entry at 5am. Someday, I may give an update on my progress...