The Grudge

Someone reminded me today that I have been quite often subject to manipulation by those who have provided for me over the years... It's true. From the time I was very very young, I've relied upon provision, rather than ambition, to find me my ways and means in life. I realized this even more this evening, as I sat at my desk and spent close to an hour justifying and rationalizing to myself why I should accept my Dad's offer for a huge raise if I promised to stay with his company for half a year more.

I used all sorts of arguements to support this white elephant: that I would be happier with a better nest egg when I actually did move, that I might strain my relationships if I was poor, that I could enroll in some additional education while I was biding my time and saving my money. All sorts of rationalizations which failed to address the true root of the monetary manipulation to which I've been subject for years.

You see, I have never had a real job. Work since I was young has consisted of two distinct types: horrible minimum-wage and brainless work which any no-talent idiot could do, or easily-obtained exercises in nepotism. This fact, combined with the maddeningly difficult process I've encountered in finding new work in the big city, has resulted in a very low level of professional self-esteem. I have honestly started questioning whether I'll ever amount to anything, or whether success is even possible for me. I start to wonder whether I've just been coasting on the coat-tails of others for this long, and I wonder what damage such a history may have done to my ability and ambition.

Allowing the easy-in work, which was the brainless and nepotistic employment I've had, to be my source of income and vocational activity, and allowing it to rule me for well over a decade, has resulted in a psychology which often leaves me convinced that I am worthless on my own. This is a horrible thought for someone who is often as independence-obssessed as I. I want to be self-motivated and self-reliant, but everything I have I find I often have to attribut e to the work of others rather than of myself. Everything I do I feel is a favor on someone else's part, rather than a self-directed decision, choice or accomplishment. It leaves me often unhappy with my places and my possessions, regardless of how plentiful or enjoyable they may be.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life in a line of work which doesn't make me happy. I have always maintained that I am what I do, and that my work is my life - that if I don't enjoy the production of my time and my mind, there is little reason to live in the first place. Unfortunately, every option I encounter lately seems equally forbidding. I always thought I was supposed to appreciate and enjoy the job which I spent the majority of my waking hours doing. Instead, I've started to settle into work with the notion that every day will be just as hard to get through, and every line of endeavor just as miserable.

I look back to the days of my tenure at the Athletic Department at Fresno State. Working in the sun, getting dirty, working with my hands but also directing the work of others with my mind. Being part of an event and realizing that my job was an integral part of something which made thousands of people happy and turned a plain of grass into a stage. It was a miserably-paying job, which never once provided sufficient means for me to be motivated to move out of my parents' house, but I loved it. It was fun. It was enjoyable. It was being a part of something and producing something which made me happy.

Then I went to work for Dad because he promised to pay me more - enough to allow me to move out (though I still live with my sister). I enjoyed living alone. Then he offered me a raise if I dropped to part-time at the University and worked for him full-time. I did it. The money was great. Then he offered me a raise after I graduated so that I'd stay with him for a few months rather than seek a job in the field I'd studied. Then he gave me a raise to prevent me from leaving when we needed to hire and train a new secretary. Now I'm not living with my parents but I'm still subject to almost all of the manipulation which they practiced when I did live with them - namely, their domination of my ways and means. Dad has always been ready to give me more money mainly because he knows I'll always take it. He has found that I use that money to obtain a standard of living befitting it, rather than just saving or living below my means. Privacy and affluence are what I've gained - but at what price?

Thus, I honestly cannot justify accepting my Dad's latest offer: that I stay with him for another six months in exchange for a sizeable raise and additional privelages. I have to find out whether I really am just a spoiled brat still tied to Mummy's apron, and whether I can live as an independent entity at my own, real means, rather than on a constant drip which keeps delivering an unsustainable bill of health. The latter is the sinking feeling I get every time I try to strike out on my own - whether I'm foiled by real shortcomings or by the bribery and imagined shortcomings induced by my dependency upon nepotism.

It may be painful for me to really strike out on my own without having any cushion or hands to hold, and I may have to give up much of the afflluence I've come to see as the norm. But I need to know whether or not I'm actually capable of any sort of self-directed life. My self-esteem is at its lowest at these times when I question whether or not I can even be a success. If I let the umbilical stay attached one day longer than absolutely necessary here, I might lose my ability to ever be happy on my own.

My lack of ability to feel independent is slowly killing me. I have to find out what I'm really capable of. There is that honestly terrifying chance that my fears are correct, that that the answer is "nothing". But at least I'll know, rather than constantly evading the question, as I've been doing for far too long now...

Thus I made my final decision. I will not be able to accept my Dad's offer, regardless of what happens with any existing job prospects, regardless of how he tries to intimidate me, and regardless of any additional offers he makes. If he resorts to ridicule and insults after he's tried intimidation and bribery at hearing this news, I'll explain exactly what I've explained here. If he understands where I'm coming from, it will be wonderful.

But I feel it is more likely that the range of concepts here are foreign to him. He's known for years that he is a successful person. There should no longer be any doubt in his mind: he's a self-made man; and thus more successful than any middle-manager who might make 3 times his income. Combine that with his lack of understanding about the true consequences of nannying an adult son: neither he nor my Mom ever had generous (or affluent) parents, and thus as they raised their children, they projected upon us the desires they had as children. The only thing that goes through their minds in cases of coddling is something to the effect of "if only our parents would have done this for us..."

In other words, their basic intentions are noble, but incompletely reasoned. They create dependency with the intention of creating happiness. They create insecurity with the intention of creating a sense of value. It is Silver Spoon Syndrome gone horribly wrong, and I have to escape it if I wish to ever survive it and be happy with my life.

Thus I must take the plunge now and test the waters later. If I can be true to what I've said here - bite the bullet and make the move - I will be doing what I need to do. And if I can make it work... I'll be the happiest man on earth.